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alternative media | government | katrina aftermath | political theory selection 2004

Latte Liberal Stephanie Stepford

For those of you who are unfamiliar with "Latte Liberals"; a Latte Liberal can be found just below a Limousine Liberal and just above a Kerry Klod on the Vomitometer.  All three currently compose the larger group of people called "Kerry Kowards" who are miserably salacious miscreants and myopic, heart-sickening horrors to all who are unfortunate to encounter them.
"Les jeux sont faits". Attendez Messieurs Kerry et Bush!

Hi Everyone,

I just returned from ten days on Mont-Tremblant -- about 90 miles north of Montréal.  I thought this would be the perfect place to escape from the Kerry Kowards, veg-out and practice my French.  On the third day my solitude was soiled.  I stepped into a little boulangerie for my mid-morning coffee transfusion.  To my shock, I found myself sitting directly across from -- mirabile dictu -- a Latte Liberal from LA.

"Anybody is Better than Bush". 

-Latte Liberal Stephanie Stepford

She was perfect!  She was designed by Terry McAuliffe, engineered by Paul Begala and built by Arianna Huffington and Katrina van den Heuvel.  She sat unashamedly poring over an issue of "The Nation" like an acne encrusted horny teenager sweating over a Playboy centerfold.

Let me expand this "Playboy-The Nation" analogy.  If you want unadulterated hard-core pornography you should probably read "Hungry Thighs".  The pornography of "Playboy" however is much more subtle and much more dangerous because "Playboy" clothes its pornography in a wardrobe of "socially redeeming articles".  It not only promotes the most vile forms of consumerism and conformity but delivers this pornographic message to young men: "women are a pleasant diversion who, like the centerfold, should be discarded frequently and replaced; carefully avoiding any serious interpersonal relationship".

If you are looking for pure unadulterated political pornography you should get your hot little hands on a copy of "National Observer".  The political pornography of "The Nation" however, is much more subtle and dangerous.  It clothes its pornography in "socially redeeming articles" on the environment and health-care while delivering the message: "liberalism is a pleasant diversion, but should be discarded whenever it conflicts with the interests of the corporate elite that controls the Democratic Party".

For those of you who are unfamiliar with "Latte Liberals"; a Latte Liberal can be found just below a Limousine Liberal and just above a Kerry Klod on the Vomitometer.  All three currently compose the larger group of people called "Kerry Kowards" who are miserably salacious miscreants and myopic, heart-sickening horrors to all who are unfortunate to encounter them.

"Hi, I'm Limousine Liberal Michael Moore.  I recently made a fortune on a blasé, movie called "Fahrenheit 911".  Even though the New York Times said that the Peace Movement was the "second superpower", I went out of my way to avoid any mention of the Peace Movement because I did not want to upset the corporate owners of the DLC.  I further debased myself by begging Ralph Nader not to run for president.  Don't forget, I make a fortune criticizing the corporations.  Where would I be without them?  I can't afford to really piss them off now can I?  I act as a kind of "pressure valve". The Liberals jump up and down and scream then everything gets back to normal again.  I hate Nader because he actually makes things happen when he attacks the corporations. I love the freaking Liberals they are worth less than a fart from a flea's ass to me.  I am a waste of flesh.  I am ridiculous and obnoxious. I am the moral equivalent of a leech".

I knew my time with the Latte Liberal would be limited.  How could I engage her?  Could I turn her around in a half-hour?

As I watched her, my mind became flooded with urgent images from the old 1956 movie "The Revenge of the Body Snatchers" and the 1975 version of "The Stepford Wives".  I saw hundreds of programmed cult members swallowing the funny flavored Kool-Aid of Korporate Kerry and the chromosome deficient neoliberals.

The "Anybody But Bush Movement"

 continues to grow.

The situation was urgent.  How could I ever face my wife and children if I left this soul-destroying mass of neuroses continue wandering aimlessly through the political vacuum that was consuming her?

I "accidentally" dropped my copy of "Ralph's Revolt" on the floor beside her chair while simultaneously clutching at my heart and moaning in the manner of a man shot in the chest.  She looked horrified.  It was working!

"Anybody is better than Bush".

Dummycraps enjoy a Kool-Aid toast to John Freakin Kerry. 

"Sorry", I said "I dropped my Nader".  She regained her composure and handed me the time bomb I had planted by her chair.  "Are you from
he states?"  I asked.  "Yes, California", she volunteered.  "Cool", I replied "I'm from a 'swing state' -- Pennsylvania.  I was so sorry to hear what happened in California -- as they say up here 'Je suis desolee'" (the French don't mess around when they're "sorry" -- they're "desolated"!).

"What happened in California?  I've been up here for the past week." She asked.  "Oh", I said "I thought you might have heard about it, it was covered by the CBC.  The Democrats successfully ended free elections in California".  "What you mean?" she asked.  "They actually prevented Ralph Nader from appearing on the presidential election ballot in November!  Instead of trying to expand our freedom of choice on Election Day, the Democrats have actually narrowed it.  Now Liberals will be forced to either write-in Ralph's name or along with their antiwar brothers and sisters from the right, vote for the Libertarian Party candidate Michael Badnarik".

"Gandhi is on an ego trip!"

 - Democratic Party Strategy Adviser King George V

"I take it you're a Nader supporter", she replied with uncharacteristic calm.  "Yes, not just a supporter but a volunteer and a member of "Ralph's Road Warriors", I hastened to reply.  "I used to respect Nader", she continued "but now he's just on some kind of an ego trip.  This is not the time to be idealistic.  Bush must be stopped at all costs.  He is the worst president we have ever had."

Great, I thought to myself, I had her just where I wanted her.  How should I close in?  Should I inform her that people on "ego trips" don't expose themselves to the kind of daily beating that Nader receives in the press from the neoliberal fascists?  Should I explain that Clinton who killed 500,000 Iraqi children with his sanctions and who killed American jobs with NAFTA and who wiped out the federal welfare program was actually much worse than Bush?  Should I remind her that Harry Truman wiped out 250,000 Japanese civilians in 48 hours in order to send a message the Soviet Union?  Should I tell her about President Johnson who lied to us about the Gulf of Tonkin incident and then slaughtered a million innocent Vietnamese civilians?  Has she forgotten about Nixon who continued Johnson's lie and slaughtered another 2 million Vietnamese, Cambodian and Laotian civilians?

No, I thought, Kerry Kowards are not interested in the facts.  They have a stake in the Empire and the murder of thousands more Moslems in Iraq, Afghanistan and Palestine are irrelevant as long as they are killed by the "more sensitive" Democrats.  The Latte Liberals have been bought off by Kerry who has offered them a discount on their healthcare and promised to appoint a more liberal judge to the Supreme Court.  The occupation of Iraq, the bombing of Afghanistan and ethnic cleansing in Palestine are irrelevant as long as Kerry promises them a cleaner environment.

"Martin Luther King is on an ego trip."

  - Democratic Party Special Adviser on Racism Lester Maddox

Latte Liberals don't care that Kerry will be followed by another right-wing reactionary like Bush in 2008 (Clinton was the only Democrat who served two terms since FDR).  It is irrelevant to the Latte Liberals that after four years of an extreme right-wing Kerry administration followed by four years of a Republican administration there will be nothing left of the Democratic Party as an opposition force to the Republicans.  By 2012 the DLC will have consolidated such control that it will be 1932 in reverse.  In 1932 FDR ushered in sixty years of liberalism in the Democratic Party coming to an end in 1992 with the Clinton administration.  A Kerry presidency will mark the beginning of sixty years or more of corporate finance fascism from which our democracy may not recover.  The Latte Liberals however, realize that they will do quite well under fascism and cannot be bothered to oppose it.

I thought perhaps I might be able to introduce an historical analogy with this moral miscreant.  Of course, having taught History for ten years in the sixties and seventies, I do get a little pissed off at those High School Harrys who managed to get a "B" in History and now believe themselves to be possessed of some Toynbeesque intuition permitting them to speak ex cathedra on matters historical.  "What the hell", I thought.  "Go for it, it's your best shot given your time limitation".

"The Dummycraps allowed me to commit one atrocity after another from the slaughter of 500,000 Iraqi children through my sanctions to the destruction of American jobs with NAFTA.  They said absolutely nothing when I bombed Yugoslavia and nearly started a war with Russia over Kosovo.  They were mute when I abolished the federal social welfare program -- no Republican has ever been able to hurt poor people as thoroughly as I have!  The Liberals will say nothing when my friend John Freaking Kerry slaughters the Iraqis, Afghanis and Palestinians.  He will give the corporations a tax cut and call it an incentive to create jobs for Americans. ROTFLMAO!  He will rape the country and the Liberals will think it is love!"  -DLC Special Adviser on Morality and Ethics Former president William BJ Clinton

"I'm not so sure that Bush must be stopped at all costs", I asserted confidently.  "I look at it like this: during the Second World War the German army occupied France.  Ultimately the Germans realized that the occupation would cost them a great number of troops that could be better employed either on the Russian front or on the Western front in preparation for either the expected invasion of England or the expected invasion by England.  To free these troops for redeployment the Reich offered the French an ultimatum.  The French people could agree to support a Nazi controlled government in Vichy or have a German government directly imposed upon them from Berlin".

"Many Frenchmen", I continued "thought that a French government, even one controlled by Nazis would be better than a German government appointed by Berlin.  French Nazis, they reasoned, would be better than German Nazis".

"To live as if our choices make any real difference in the long

run may be the act of a fool, but to live as if they do not, that is the act of a coward."

-Nader Campaign Special Policy Adviser Albert Camus: Philosopher and Member of the French Resistance

"There was one group of Frenchmen however who recognized that a Nazi was a Nazi whether he spoke French or German and that there was no such thing as a "lesser of two evils" considering that their policies were identical.  They decided that Frenchmen should resist both forms of Nazism even if it meant their death".

I finished my little history excursion with her by explaining how the resistance paved the way for the ultimate liberation of France.  I made it clear that liberation would have taken much longer and been much more destructive to France had it not been for the resistance.  I explained that the resistance demonstrated that it is sometimes necessary to put up with a short-term hardship in order to achieve long-term liberation.

"I sink Herr Kerry vill make ein wonderbar Fuhrer.  Like me he murdered innocent civilians and destroyed zeir homes.  I told za court zat "I vas only following aweduhs" but zey hanged me neverzaless.  Za Liberals in America vill vote fur Herr Kerry fur president because he is za lesser evil.  Zis ist ein glorious day fur za Reich and za Korporation.  It ist za final solution for ending all opposition to za policies of Herr Bush.  Herr Bush himself however must be remofed.  He ist incompetent.  Herr Kerry vill make ein much more efficient executioner of za var on terror.  Za war on terror!  Oh mien Gott! Zeese Dumkopfs vill belieff  anysing".

  -Democratic Party Productivity Consultant Oberstumbannfrhrer Adolf Eichmann 

When our conversation was nearing an end I was able to demonstrate that the condition we face now in America is directly analogous to what the French faced sixty years ago.  I was able to detail how a Bush government, saddled with a Democratic Senate, would be infinitely superior to four years of a right-wing government under Kerry followed by another four years of a reactionary like Bush. I showed her that a Democratic Party, chastened by Progressives who refused to vote for a neoliberal fascist anymore than they would vote for a neoconservative fascist, would not only have to present us with a real liberal candidate to run against McCain in 2008 but also how such a reformed Democratic Party (minus the DLC)would be forced to institute IRV at least within its own party if not at the national level.  I was also able to reinforce the reality that Bush was indeed "Bush league" when it came to atrocities compared to someone like Clinton or Harry Truman or to a prospective Korporate Kerry.

"Jesus is on an ego trip".

  - Democratic Party Strategy Adviser High Priest Caiaphas.

"So are you at least going to buy this little book -- "Ralph's Revolt" -- and rethink the lies and slander being spread by the Democrats?"  I asked.  "Get serious", she responded.  "Why would I buy that book?  Nothing anyone's going to say is going to change my mind.  Anyone, is better than Bush".

Nader is a spoiler.

Vive la résistance,



"These are times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered. Yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." -Tom Paine