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government | katrina aftermath

The Animatronic Presidency

It's way past time to demand a total manufacturer's recall on the world's first Animatronic Presidency. I know, the voters lost their chance in 2004 when they let the limited four year product warranty expire. However, that limited warranty does NOT apply to life-threatening defects in parts and workmanship or willful negligence on the part of the Manufacturer.

In this case, the defects have proven quite lethal, en masse, and the
workmanship shoddy and fatally flawed. At first, it was lethal only to
innocent bystanders (upwards of a hundred thousand in Iraq,
Afghanistan, etc), but now, it has proven highly lethal to thousands of
the end users themselves (the Gulf Coast, among other places).
It's way past time to demand a total manufacturer's recall on the world's first Animatronic Presidency. I know, the voters lost their chance in 2004 when they let the limited four year product warranty expire. However, that limited warranty does NOT apply to life-threatening defects in parts and workmanship or willful negligence on the part of the Manufacturer.

In this case, the defects have proven quite lethal, en masse, and the
workmanship shoddy and fatally flawed. At first, it was lethal only to
innocent bystanders (upwards of a hundred thousand in Iraq,
Afghanistan, etc), but now, it has proven highly lethal to thousands of the end users themselves (the Gulf Coast, among other places).

The warning signs were everywhere from very early on. Consumer advocates like Ralph Nader were among the first to question the bill of goods ("a corporation masquerading as a human being" warned he). Still, everything seemed to start innocent enough. True, the buyer was sort of tricked into the purchase initially. Dad insisted that the shiny new Animatronic President would be just the thing to grace America's living room tv set every day. But mom and the kids had their doubts. But before Mom and Dad and the Kids could completely decide, the salesmen (the Supreme Court) waved the piece of paper with Dad's smudged thumbprint on the contract and declared a Deal's a Deal.

There was some grumbling about this shady transaction, to be sure. But soon, a crisis ensued, and the media declared that the Animatronic Presidency was just the solution for it. Sure enough, the Animatronic President strutted and pranced and seemed to know just what to say and how to act. Many folks got to thinking that the Animatronic Presidency was just as good as the real thing. Some of them thought it was even better.

Soon enough, though, the Animatronic Presidency started to malfunction, just as the consumer advocates had warned it would. It started speaking even more wildly and illogically than it was already noted for doing, making ominous noises, blurting things out like "your either with us or against us!" and "Saddam Hussein harbors terrorists!" and at one point, "Bring it on!", and finally sputtering out-of-control and issuing ultimatums and launching invasions of other sovereign nations on the flimsiest of pretexts.

Many consumers started to worry. But most of them were still too cowed by the Manufacturers and their Corporate Media to complain. The latter at first tried to distract consumers from these ominous symptoms. But eventually, when the defective Presidency became undeniable, they declared that the erratic, frightening, and increasingly unaccountable defects of the Animatronic Presidency were all on account of mere "intelligence failures." These could be fixed by a simple software upgrade (aka, "Homeland Security Department," and assorted other patches and panaceas) and then the Animatronic
Presidency would work just fine.

But the Animatronic Presidency continued to send more and more of Mom and Dad's kids off to farflung places, and a lot of them started to get killed by foreign bystanders not taken in by the Manufacturer's unctuous claims, and with a lot less patience for the foolish and deadly product choices of American consumers.

Finally, Mom declared she'd had ENOUGH already with this insanity -- never mind that the Manufacturer's four year warranty had run out! -- and she wasn't going to stand for it anymore! The last straw came after her son died because of the continuing dangerous and inexplicable "intelligence failures" of the Animatronic Presidency, despite all the manufacturer's ineffectual software upgrades, while more and more of the country's sons and daughters appeared headed for the same fate, with no end in sight -- as well as thousands of foreign bystanders.

Still, Dad said, "It's not like there's bodies in the streets over HERE yet! Surely, the Animatronic Presidency is not near as bad as Mom says!" But then, in an extraordinarily bitter irony, no sooner did the words come out of his mouth than YET ANOTHER massive "intelligence failure" was REVEALED, with even more shocking results than before! ("No one could have predicted the levees would be breached!" yapped the moving lips of the Animatronic Presidency.) But it turned out that just that HAD been predicted, numerous times in fact, by numerous experts. But the Animatronic Presidency had misallocated millions and billions of dollars into its maniacal warfare around the world, leaving the country without funds to fix the levees that were breached by Hurricane Katrina.

Thousands died from this latest malfunctioning. It was indeed another catastrophic "intelligence failure." But it has now become apparent to almost the whole family -- at least those who are reasonably awake and alert -- that no simple software upgrade will fix it. No, nothing but a 100% Manufacturer's Recall will do in this case: the entire Presidency -- all its parts and mechanical subassemblies, not just its babbling mouth, or even its inner software alone -- needs to be scrapped.

Fortunately, Americans can still demand such a Full Product Recall. Come the midterm elections, they will have a chance to choose Representatives in Congress who will stop coddling the Manufacturers and demand justice for the innumerable grievously harmed end users of this Animatronic Presidency.
historical background 14.Sep.2005 10:35

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The Animatronic Presidency was initially prototyped in Texas. Even there, it showed signs of serious problems, executing hundreds of people in flawed trials, in some cases after their lawyers had fallen asleep in the courtroom. In one case, it had even snickered and mocked the defendant while sending her to her death. Observers warned that the nature of Texas government required only a light-duty model, whereas such a stripped down product would surely start to backfire under the much greater rigors of federal governance.

One of the first signs of service trouble was the remarkably high down time of Animatronic Presidency. Historical inquiry showed that it spent more time sitting idle requiring maintenance and R&R than any other presidency in the history of the country. When the latest disaster struck, the Animatronic Presidency was again found idling in need of service.