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A Typical Neocon Family

A typical Neocon family -- the results of clinical research.
A Typical Neocon Family
By Doctor Fuck Rightards, Ph.D.

According to all available evidence, the following is what a
typical Neocon family looks like. This is an average, general
description and it should be kept in mind that summed
dysfunctional human behavioral traits exist in a bell curve.
Your Neocon neighbors will on average fit this description but
there are always variations on both sides of the curve.

The husband is an uneducated bigot who exhibits willful ignorance
to avoid internally admitting truths he none-the-less recognizes
as fact. The consequences of the cognitive dissonance generated
drives a great many non-benign psychological behavioral traits
which are further compounded by the hatred his wife feels for
him, and the contempt his children display toward him.

When he isn't in church pretending he has gods and making sure
that his fellow Neocons see him there, he's either drunk in front
of the television watching FOX "News" or stock car races, or he's
trolling neighborhoods distant from his for little girls and boys
he wants to rape.

His sexual feelings towards young boys makes him think there's
something seriously wrong with him -- and he's right about that
but for all the wrong reasons. He harbors an abject fear and
hatred of homosexuals because he mistakenly believes he could
very well be one.

Because he doesn't get actual news and believes everything that
he's fed from FOX "News," he violently supports, applauds, and
defends the invasion of Iraq and the rape, torture, and murder of
innocent Iraqis, all of whom worship the "wrong" gods and, in his
opinion, deserve to die anyway because they have brown skin.

Often while at work -- if he works at all -- he'll fantasize
about packing up his hand guns and playing pretend along the
Mexican border, making pretend that he's safeguarding the
Constitutional Republic from the unwashed, diseased, white-woman-
raping hordes of invading brown people.

Because he's anywhere from 50 to 100 pounds over weight with a
beer gut that he tries to pretend makes him adorable to the
little boys and girls he trolls for, he tries to tell himself
that his fat, disgusting body would be manly and intimidating to
all the thousands of Islamic terrorists who he thinks crosses the
Mexican border into the United States every day and that alone
would stop them from coming.

He drives a huge pickup truck that gets anywhere from 8 to 12
miles to the gallon, four wheel drive with the largest clown
tires he can afford -- even if they're snow tires. He never
actually uses the bed of the pickup truck to carry anything that
would need it but that's not the point; he thinks that driving a
pickup truck will finally make him a man and squelch his
misperception of his own latent homosexuality.

He's never actually read a book before, though he'll go through
the Sunday newspaper's sports pages religiously. He hates the
fact that "they" allow so many "niggers, spics, chinks" and other
brown people to pollute America's great sporting events.

He cheats on his taxes. He steals from his place of employment.
He justifies his petty crimes by telling himself that he's tired
of giving money to brown people and his employers don't pay him
what he's worth any way -- and he believes he's worth much more
than he's being paid.

A significant percentage of his paycheck goes toward purchasing
child pornography, subscribing to much of it over the Internet on
a computer he knows little about and was set up and configured by
his son. He tells himself he's doing research for a book he'll
write some day -- or at least that's what he will tell the police
if they ever catch him, honestly believing that'll keep him out
of prison.

The wife is an alcoholic who tries to laugh off her drinking
problem by telling herself she's drinking "martinis only without
the vermouth" as if it were amusing.

Every morning she dutifully wakes up an hour before her husband
does and fixes her husband's breakfast. Every morning she fries
her husband four eggs, well done on the bottom, runny on the top
-- and heaven help her if it's not done just the way he wants it.

She sports a number of bruises on her face, back, neck, and arms,
bruises inflicted by her husband that she actually believes to be
deserved because she feels she's as worthless and stupid as he
constantly tells her she is.

When her husband comes down and gets his breakfast, she stands
meekly aside anticipating his leaving for work, hoping she didn't
screw up his breakfast and hoping he doesn't launch off into a
violent rage before he leaves. Once her husband shoves his plate
away, gets up and leaves without a word, she heaves a great sigh
of relief and starts thinking about making herself the first
"martini" of the morning.

She also spends Sunday mornings in church pretending she has gods
however unlike her husband she honestly believes she has them.
Her primary prayer is that she'll be given the strength to
survive the "test" her gods have given her by being forced to
marry a man that she hates, fears, and loathes.

Her second-most common prayer is that her gods will make her rich
and kill the man, then deliver a High School boy who'll screw her
twice a day, hold her and tell her she's lovely and worthy, and
will be nice to her. Her greatest sexual secret desire is having
Bill Clinton screw her, deriving pleasure from the fantasy not
only because doing so would be a welcome change from the 15-
second "sex" she gets from her Neocon husband but because her
husband hates Bill Clinton.

Her third most common prayer is for her gods to kill some of her
neighbors, starting with the woman across the street who has
retained her slim figure, has a husband who holds and kisses her
as she sees him off to work each morning, and has never once gone
to church -- and is probably a Witch, she tells her gods as
justification for asking her gods to kill the Democrat neighbor.

She grew up in a Neocon family and was pregnant in High School
when she was forced to marry her husband, getting handed off from
father to husband without a single day's freedom to think for
herself. Lacking any marketable skills she's locked into a
violent marriage to a man she hates because she can't survive on
her own and she fears for the safety and well being of her

Much of her day is spent sitting in front of the television,
fantasizing about being part of the parade of day time soap
operas that she honestly believes represent how "real families"
are outside of her own dysfunctional home.

When her children come down to get ready to go to school, she
barely notices them. The only time her children appear in her
alcohol-fuzzed consciousness is when they stand between her and
the television.

When the telephone rings it'll be another Neocon wife who has a
life that's virtual mirror copy of her own, often with valium or
some other doctor-issued medication designed to help the Neocon
wife make it through another day. They'll talk about other women
from church and the neighborhood, starting with those they hate -
- which is most of them. When they hang up after bad mouthing
everyone else, they'll call women they've just spewed their
hatred about and bad mouth each other without a moment's thought.

The son is a profoundly conflicted and disturbed young man whose
primary fear is that he might be a homosexual because he once
experimented with another boy and can't even get a girl to look
at him leave alone allow him to screw her. This is despite the
fact that he fantasizes about girls while he masturbates 2 or 3
times a day, wishing his penis was bigger and wishing he was old
enough to drive a huge pickup truck that would finally make him a
man that girls would want to screw.

He hates his father as much as his mother does and often wishes
he could kill him and bury his remains in the back yard. He
doesn't hate or love his mother and -- though he notices her
moving through his life -- to him she's pretty much equal to the
furniture. To him she's a zero -- little more than something to
walk around when it's in the way.

He smokes pot whenever he can afford to purchase some, usually by
stealing money from his father's wallet. (He gave up going
through his mother's purse because his father never allows her to
have any.) Already he hates blacks, Mexicans, Arabs, Jews, and
pretty much anyone who isn't white, American, or Christian like
he is.

While he laughs at his mother's belief that she has gods, when he
grows older into his 30s he'll start to believe in them, too,
with massive variations from his mother's beliefs. He'll acquire
his belief in the gods in an attempt to justify his hatreds and
bigotry, just as his father did. When he grows older still,
he'll eventually admit to himself that the gods are nonsense but
he'll continue to profess to believe in them for his fellow
Neocon acquaintances -- who also don't really believe in them.

In school he sits in the back rows in every class, dumbly looking
down at his desk thinking about his penis. His teachers have
long since given up on trying to reach him and stopped calling on
him within the first week of each new semester.

His abject willful stupidity results in acquiring mostly a "C"
grade in all his subjects with an occasional "D" though rarely an
"F." His ability to carry a "C" average is due solely to the
ever lowering quality and significance of the education system in
the United States which is tailored toward making kids feel
better about themselves rather than in educating them.

The one class where the son excels at is physical education,
generally a class where everybody receives an "A" or "B" grade if
they show up every day. He engages in fantasies about being a
major sports figure some day and talks among his few friends
about finding someone who'll sell him anabolic steroids so he can
realize his futile dreams.

One major conflict that constantly runs through his head is the
memories of when he was five or six years old and his father used
to be someone he loved and respected. While he wants to kill his
father, he recalls a time when he used to love him and the
psychological imbalance results in a degree of self loathing
which he psychologically transfers on to others.

When his father isn't using the computer to view child
pornography or photographs of women in bondage, he's using the
computer on MySpace.COM, boasting of all the sex with girls he's
never had and will never have, trying to impress people he'll
never meet with the huge size of his penis and his pick up truck,
neither of which he has, either.

While he's never been in a fight in his life, that doesn't stop
him from posting messages to MySpace constantly threatening to
kick other people's ass -- people he knows he'll never meet out
in the real world. At the same time he refers to all girls and
women as "whores," including his mother.

He types a lot of messages about "doing something" about the
"Mexican invasion" that's "destroying America" and occasionally
posts messages wondering if he's old enough to join the Ku Klux

One of the typical Neocon son's occasionally stated goals in life
is to kill "ragheads" who are also "destroying America," a
behavior that becomes more frequent with his ever growing
frequency of pot consumption.

The daughter wakes up every morning worried that she's pregnant
again, wondering where she'll get the money for the abortion this

Already she's much like her mother, spending much of her free
time bad mouthing other girls at school, thinking about being
screwed by some of the "cool" High School boys she hasn't had sex
with yet. She doesn't drink yet, nor does she use illegal

One of the things she constantly bad mouths to other girls about
is who's pregnant and who's had an abortion recently. She also
promises never to tell others when a "friend" informs her that
she's pregnant and then within half an hour of being informed,
goes on to inform all the other Neocon daughters in the school
about it. But that's okay because when she receives a promise of
confidentiality from her friends and divulges the worry that
she's pregnant again, her friends immediately blab it to the rest
of the school also.

Unlike her brother she does fairly well in school, averaging a
"B" grade with an occasional "A," usually in math or "home
economics," a class she takes because there are so many "cool"
boys who take it.

She hates her father like the rest of her family, though she has
some strong reasons for it that the others don't: her father has
started to "accidentally" rub up against her over the past year
or so and the frequency of these "accidents" have been increasing
as her breasts have started to get large. Most of the times
these "accidents" have occurred she's noticed that her father
also has "accidentally" acquired an erection.

Because of this she has to step quickly around the home to avoid
her father, and at night she puts a chair against her door under
the doorknob in case her Neocon father decides it's time to
"accidentally" rape her some night.

Also like her brother, she fantasizes about the day she'll kill
her father only instead of burying him in the back yard, she
wants to cut him in to little pieces and flush him down the
toilet in small chunks. This she feels will also free her mother
who she believes would then stop her drinking and start thinking
for herself.

Eventually the daughter will become a mirror copy of her mother,
complete with a marriage to a man she will quickly grow to hate
and the raging alcoholism. She'll also adopt beliefs in the gods
as a primary fantasy that'll take her away from the life she
hates and reward her for having put up with it without
complaining for so long despite the fact that she complains about
it daily.

The family as a whole are profoundly dysfunctional, driven by
their problems and petty bigotries as well as their sexual
desires and perversions however that doesn't mean that the Neocon
family isn't without occasional happy times together.

The typical Neocon family will utilize fast food restaurants for
their lunches and dinners at least twelve times a week on
average, with a sit-down meal for dinner at a restaurant once or
twice a month. Meals at home are usually sullen, grudging
performances mandated by the Neocon husband, consisting of a set
menu also dictated by the husband. If dinner isn't provided
exactly right, the wife will acquire another bruise and the
children will be forced to sit there quietly, looking down at
their plates without saying anything while their mother is once
again beaten.

A typical Neocon family will also at times go to sporting events
or (if their father demands it) to car races. While the children
hate it and the wife pretends to be enjoying herself, the husband
will act enthusiastic about the game or the car race, either not
noticing that he's an utter asshole that his whole family hates
or not caring.

The typical Neocon family contains members who all share a number
of attributes, among them being the staunch belief that
education, science, literacy, exercise, rational discourse,
honesty, equality, respect, and sane behavior are all signs of
"liberalism" which, they actually believe, actually means
Communism and homosexuality. The females believe this because
their dominating male masters do. The males believe it because
they both harbor massive inferiority complexes and worries that
they're homosexuals.

Another core aspect of Neocon behavior that all family members
acquire is the unshakeable belief that all of their problems,
sexual hang-ups, mental difficulties, and failures in life are
caused by someone else, never themselves -- this despite the fact
that the Neocon wife also blames herself for driving her Neocon
husband to beat her (another outbreak of cognitive dissonance.)

In the Neocon household life would be better if only America were
white again, blacks knew their place in society, and Mexicans
were only seen when they work on the lawns or sell the Neocons
tacos. In the Neocon household, anyone with an education who
doesn't vote for fellow Neocons for government offices is a
homosexual Communist committing treason for "The Jew" -- they
always say it as though it were capitalized -- or for the Soviet
Union, not knowing that the USSR no longer exists because they
watch FOX "News."

homepage: homepage: http://www.skeptictank.org/

Jerry! Jerry! 25.May.2006 10:18


Sounds like William S. Burroughs describing the Springer Show 'Family of the Year". Only problem is the majority of GOP voters have no real idea what a Neo-con actually is, much less agree with and understand their motives. Stereotyped rants about "white trash" are nothing new, but I could easily write one about 'leftists' that would leave 'em rolling in the aisles too. It's so easy to hate wife beating, child molesting rednecks. But is that really what the 'blue states' really consist of? There's more confusion out there than anything, and yes, FOX News is a big part of the problem. But let's not label the rest of the country terminally evil and hopeless just yet. Some of the most unlikely voters are beginning to turn around right now. Let's not dismiss or alienate everyone that doesn't ride a bicycle by portraying them all as jackbooted Archie Bunkers hell-bent on a Nazi state. (though some are). But I agree that the sign of the eternally stupid is the lifted pick-up that gets 7 miles per gallon. They'll soon be as obsolete as the buggy as fuel costs soar. So will their owners if they don't wake up.

no one addresses this issue 02.Jun.2006 04:05

lernsomemanners mjamesoconnor@yahoo.com

I would like to know why Rednecks hate nearly everone espesially those who don't wear the required Bad Hair? The Mullet, of course, washed at least that month, represents the most attention permitted, although long and greasy is fine; a curling iron for "feathering" is still a girls best friend. What I'm really getting at is the sullen hatred that is leveled at any perceived better educated person with even a slight sense of social responsbility?